Please don't judge me, I'm not proud of my past and I know what I did was wrong. I already judge myself. All I want is genuine advice before I go crazy...
Please, I seriously need advice on this issue. It's been haunting me and tearing my conscience apart since I got married 5 years ago.
After my university education, I did everything possible to ensure I got posted to Abuja and to National Assembly to be precise. I was a very pretty girl with all the right curves in the right places and I didn't want to waste that.
I knew exactly what I wanted to do at the National Assembly I wanted to make money, lots of money and I knew that the quickest and easiest way was to date Senators. So, as a young, sèxy and extremely beautiful 23 year old graduate, I set out on my journey.
At first, it was easy, I got to date senators and they spoilt me with a lot of money but before long, many more girls, even university girls were entering into the business and things began to dwindle. I spoke with one of my (co aristo) friends on how she still manages to have so many senators, white men and very rich politicians dating and spoiling her with so much money.
She introduced me to a very expensive native doctor in the suburbs of Abuja who gave me a tiny string of beads to tie around my waist after some incantations. At first I didn't believe in it's power and reluctantly paid the N250k that I was charge but on my next outing, I was surprised at how much Baba's jazz seemed to have worked.
In 2 years, I had acquired a piece of land in Abuja and developed it. I stayed in a nice rented apartment in Asokoro and drove a Prado Jeep. I had travelled to as many countries as I wanted. Whenever I was in Lagos, I was chauffeured by one of my 'uncles' drivers. In other words, I was a big Abuja girl by all standards and was living very large. Meanwhile, I never spent a kobo from my salary.
I had abortions so many times that it became normal for me. I told myself that if it's still in the first trimester, it was just blood clots and nothing to feel bad about. Inshort, I killed my conscience.
When I was 28, I met this really nice guy who incidentally was also from my home-town. We dated for a while and he proposed. I happily accepted. One week before my traditional wedding, my mother, who knew how I made so much money without discouraging me, died mysteriously.
Before my wedding, I handed over all my aristos to my younger sister who was already 24 at the time and whom I'd introduced to the lucrative business, she had also gone to visit Baba.
Now, it's been 5 years since I got married and I've never been pregnant. Instead, those aristos I dated keep visiting me in my dreams and having sèx with me. Sometime, I see the Baba pursuing me and at other times, I see babies laughing at me with money in their mouths.
We've visited different hospital several time but the doctors keep saying we're both ok and we should just be patient. We've done so many tests and tried IVF both in Nigeria and in the US but they've never successful.
I'm so worried, sometimes, I think I'm going crazy. I feel this has to do with my past which I've never disclosed to my husband who is a good Christian. Sometimes, I wish he'll marry another woman or at least get another woman pregnant. I really don't know what to do, I feel I'm being unfair to him. I really love my husband and will hate to hurt him.
Do I disclose my dirty past to him and face his anger and disappointment or do I keep praying for the fruit of womb. Will it ever happen to me? I very much desire to have a child of my own.
Please don't judge me, I'm not proud of my past and I know what I did was wrong. I already judge myself. All I want is genuine advice before I go crazy.
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